Sunday, 9 October 2011

Hindsight is 20/20

Yesterday, I did two hot yoga sessions in one day.  I wish I could say that I'm just THAT hardcore but, in reality, I lost my job the day before and had nothing to do that day.  Anyway, having that much time on my hands to meditate and connect with my "spirit" made me realize something about myself: I am happy!  Apart from my ex-boss being an asshole and calling me up out of the blue to fire me for no reason, I have very little in my life to be upset about.  When I compare how I feel now to how I felt at this time last year, it's like a complete 180 degree turn.

At this time last year, I was still grieving for an ex-boyfriend.  I was so hung up that I sometimes couldn't focus on anything except my grief: I cried myself to sleep nearly every night; I wrote angsty, tearful (and poorly written) poetry.  I tried to tell myself that I was "over it" (despite all the glaringly obvious evidence to the contrary) and tried again and again to start new romantic relationships with different men, all of which failed spectacularly.  I really thought that I had lost everything, that I would never feel happy ever again, that my chance of finding true love had slipped through my fingers and I was destined for spinsterhood.

I thought about all this yesterday ... and really couldn't believe that, at this time last year, I felt so lost.  I guess my grief had to run its course, despite my attempts to shortcut the process.  And I guess I just wasn't ready - or willing - to let it all go.

So this Thanksgiving weekend, I have one new thing to be thankful for: I'm thankful for fucking FINALLY being "over it"!  I'm thankful for the failed relationship and for the failed attempts that followed it.  I'm thankful for the good times and especially for the bad times, because they have made me wiser and stronger. 

And, lastly, I'm thankful for hot yoga (because without it I would have had nothing to do yesterday and may not have come to realize how happy I am)! :)

Shan x